My New Blog Title

A Lesson from Fatherhood

2010-09-20T12:59:00.000-07:00

My little boy is now 23 days old, and I am so grateful that he is here and that he's healthy.

People always tell you that you can't understand a parent's love until you become one, and I wholeheartedly concur. I absolutely adore my son, and I love him like nothing before. I assert that it is impossible to have a child and not love him/her with all your heart.

People also always tell you that when you become a parent you reflect on the relationship you have with your own parents and become more grateful for them. I now know that is also true. I don't know where I'd be without the love and support from my angel mother. I love my own dad. I also love my step-dad, Irvin. He, too, has seen me through a lot.

I just wish I had had a better relationship with my father before he passed away in June. I didn't even speak to him the entire month before we lost him, and that will always be painful for me.

When I was a kid he used to tell me how much he loved me, but the older I got the less we talked and the less I believed that. And I don't know whether to say I "could have" or "should have" had a better relationship with him, or if I should say anything at all. I made some efforts, but was offended. And he made some efforts, but was also offended.

Sometimes I wondered just how important I was to him.

But now I know.

Whatever happened between the two of us for whatever reason, I know my dad loved me. Having my son now has helped me realize that. I mean, my wife and son have been out of town for four days and I miss them like the dickens. Seriously, I cannot wait to have them back home tomorrow. But I went months at a time without even talking to my dad, and I only saw him a few times in his final years.

I can only imagine how terrible that was for him.

My boy yells and wiggles and stinks and won't let us put him down, and I can't get enough of it. I'm so proud of every little thing he does. I love that he gets startled when I cough and he shoots his hands into the air. I love the kissy face he makes. I love his pirate look when he just opens one eye, and I cannot wait to continue to learn more about him and from him.

I still have unanswered questions about why there was such a distance between my dad and me, but now I'm sure that lack of love was not the reason no matter what may have occured.

I am also sure that neither hell nor high water will keep me from my wife and son, and I will do my very best to make sure my son will never ask the same questions I did.

I Was Wrong

2010-09-04T19:47:00.000-07:00

That last time I blogged, I talked about how I might be growing to not hate University of Utah athletics.

I was wrong.

Last Thursday I was in my marketing class at the U, and it went fine. I don't have anything against my particular program, and I am enjoying it as much as anyone can enjoy going to night school while working full time and adjusting to a new baby at home.

But the Utes' first football game of the season was also Thursday night at home. There were about 10-12 kids (actually grown-ups, but I'll call anyone my a kid as long as I live) wearing Utah paraphernalia... red shirts with giant white "U's" on them.

I did not appreciate the shirts or the excitement in the air about Utah football. I didn't appreciate the score updates in class. I wanted desperately for Pitt to squash the home team.

One kid in particular sat directly across from me. He barely looked at me all night, and I never heard him speak a word. But he was wearing a red Utah polo like sideline workers wear... and I wanted to punch him in the face.

I am not a violent man, and I doubt I would ever do physical harm to this person unless he threatened my family or friends. But I hated him. I wanted to throw things at him. I felt this nearly overwhelming urge to "rise and shout" as we talked about how Google rules the world and students secretly checked their mobile devices for score updates.

So let it be known. I will use the University of Utah's David Eccles School of Business for its education and diploma, and then I will bid the institution adieu. I do bleed blue.

Go Cougs!!!

Oh, Back to School. Back to School.

2010-08-25T15:25:00.000-07:00

Right. So I'm back in school.

I'm in the Professional MBA program at the University of Utah. It's a night program for people who don't have quite enough experience for the Executive MBA program, however it is still ranked as one of the top 50 MBA programs in the country. Not too shabby.

The only problem is that it's at the U... and I really like it so far. I mean, business school is practical. I like that, and I'm okay with liking that. My angst comes from not hating studying at the U.

I'll be honest. I wasn't always a Cougar fan. In fact, I didn't even want to go to BYU for my undergrad at first. And I didn't really root for their teams until I'd been there for at least a few semesters. But then I landed an awesome internship in the BYU Athletic Communications office (a job I wish I still had, frankly) and things really changed.

I sat court-side at basketball games and in the press box at football games for two years. I got to know the players, the coaches, the administration, and the fans. Well, okay, I'm still not really fond of regular BYU fans, but I loved the majority of the other folks. And throughout my tenure there, my hatred for the U became quite ingrained in me because the Y and the U are like faith and fear. They can't exist in the same place at the same time. There is natural animosity.

I longed for Utes to lose. And not just athletically. In life. I wanted all Utes to be the embodiment of EPIC FAIL.

But note that those sentences are are written in past tense. That's not just because I'm now a student there (I still cannot bring myself to refer to myself as a Ute). It's like I'm starting to believe that the U isn't really a horrible place.

I mean, I caught myself the other day admiring a t-shirt with a U logo on it. Come on! What the crap is that all about? Really. It's like I'm living in Bizarro World right now and Fargas is my mail carrier.

I convinced myself that going to the U for my graduate studies was a prudent thing to do, but I always said "I'll use them for their diploma and get the heck outta there!"

But mine is a soul conflicted. What I once thought I think no more. The U isn't so bad. My first class has gone really well. I like what I'm learning, and I like a lot of my fellow students. I like being on a college campus again, and I'm okay with that campus being adorned in red.

Please don't misunderstand me. When the Utes and Cougs square off in anything, be it on the gridiron or the ballroom dance floor, I'll rise and shout the live long day. I still bleed blue.

But maybe I'm okay with my classmates' successes, at least in the classroom anyway.

Baby Names

2010-08-03T09:51:00.000-07:00

So my wife and I are having a baby next month. We both agree that it feels like she's been pregnant forever, but the due date has crept up on us rather quickly. I have to say that I have soooooo much respect for women, and even more now that I have lived with a pregnant one for nearly 8 months. What they do is EPIC, and my wife is awesome.

One of the main topics of conversation that my wife and I have had ever since we got engaged has been baby names. However, now that we're nearing the time when we'll actually have to settle on one, that conversation has dwindled.

And I'll tell you why.

Before she was pregnant we lived in a baby-name fantasy world. We could mention and discuss any name under the sun because it was all hypothetical. Girl names seemed to come more naturally to both of us, so we talked about names like Penleigh, Amelia, Lucy, Olivia, Anne, etc. with differing opinions and a light attitude. Boy names like Max, Brian, Andrew, and Miles also came along, but less frequently and with less excitement.

Then she got pregnant, and the hypotheticals got a little less hypothetical, but still somewhat hypothetical because we didn't know the sex of the baby. Discussions became a bit more thoughtful, but the names didn't really change. And with the newly-added seriousness of the convo, a new tool was introduced.... The List.

Now, in the interest of full-disclosure, I must admit that I don't believe my wife will fully agree with this blog posting. She will dispute some of the particulars, and that is mainly because my wife and I think about things differently. Neither one of us thinks "better" than the other, just differently. Just like Andy and Dwight's pay-checks in "The Office." It's not that one is better than the other, just different. (Insert smiley face here and anticipate loverly wife's comment below.)

You see, my wife LOVES spreadsheets. She loves organization and accounting and boring stuff like that. That is one of the many reasons why I love her so much. We like different but complimentary things, and we have different but complimentary talents and abilities. And that's where this List comes in to play.

She took all of the names we talked about, compiled them into her guilty-pleasure... Microsoft Excel, and we got down to business. When a new name came up she added it to the list and marked it "yes," "no," or "maybe" with each of us having equal veto power. When we found out our firstborn will be a boy, we luckily were able to disregard most of The List (for now).

I write "luckily" because The List really hasn't made life easier. In fact, I've got a real beef with Excel for false advertising, but that's for another day and another post. Really it comes down to those complimentary differences in thought processes my wife and I have.

I'm a quick decision-maker. I hate loose ends. Sometimes that works in my favor, and sometimes it does not. My wife is much more thoughtful than I am. She makes sure her decisions are well-grounded and safe. That way of thinking works in her favor much more often than my way works for me.

And it is precisely this difference that has led to a lull in the baby-name discussion. I've felt uncomfortable going over the same names time and again, and she's felt uncomfortable when I've tried to use the commitment pattern to make her choose six weeks ago. I even made her pinky swear, but it didn't get me very far.

But for now we've reached a happy medium. After all the back and forth, I feel like we have at least a narrow enough list of names from which to choose once Mijo gets here, and Lynne feels like she has enough options that she's not tied down. At least that what I hope she feels like.

So now we're six weeks away from having and naming this baby. We've agreed that the boy will not be named until we meet him, and I love that idea. We still talk about names here and there, and it is pleasant and productive conversation. All in all I've appreciated this discourse and what it has taught me about myself, my wife, our relationship, and marriage in general.

That being said, though, anyone with a good idea or a campaign to name our kid after him or her should post a comment below. I guess it's possible we could still be swayed...

Wow

2010-06-21T15:46:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I last blogged, and much has happened in my life. Most notably, I married a wonderful woman. She's a fantastic writer, and she does most of the blogging about our lives now. (Check out http://thekimballsbooyah.blogspot.com).

However, I do miss writing, so maybe I'll update this more. Who knows?

The last 18 months or so have been wonderful and stressful. I got a list, here's the order of the list that it's in (anyone? anyone?).

March 2009 - I left the sports PR biz to join the non-profit PR biz, so a bit of a change in career paths. I've since had my role at my current job change majorly once and have gone through about four different bosses.

End of March-Beginning of April 2009 - My then-strictly-friend Lynne and I started to date long distance a bit.

May 2009 - We got engaged and traveled every weekend between CA and UT to see each other.

August 2009 - We got married and moved to Sandy, UT.

December 2009 -We found out Lynne is pregnant, and the baby boy is due Sept. 10, 2010. I also got accepted to the PMBA program at the University of Utah. I'll be starting in August 2010 two nights a week while working full time.

March 2010 - We bought a house.

April 2010 - Worked night and day to remodel as much of said house as possible before we moved in late in the month. Still a lot of work to do.

June 2010 - My dad passed away after years of battling illness and personal deamons.

So yesterday was the most interesting Fathers' Day of my life as I reflected on the loss of my dad and the boy that I can't wait to meet in September. To be honest, it was a rough day for me, but it made me even more grateful for my wife, my new boy, my brothers, my step-dad Irv, the memory of my dad, the great father figures I've had over the years, and my wonderful friends.

I appreciate the recent journey on which life has taken me, and (I think) I'm looking forward to inevitable surprises around every corner.

People read this?

2008-06-24T11:06:00.000-07:00

I just read my friend Neil's note on my last entry requesting more "insights", and my old friend Emily just told me through a game of Facebook Scrabulous that she read my blog. I don't know how I didn't realize that people would actually read what I posted on the World Wide Web for all to see. So here's an update...

Nothing in my life is new.

Things are going well at work. I don't have a lot to do right now in the office, but that's okay because I'll be swamped come basketball season. I'm enjoying mixing and mingling with the young movers and shakers here and just trying to make a difference.

The only news in my life right now is that the little green truck died a couple of weeks ago (tear drop). It was a good little ride. I hated the lack of power steering and air conditioning. It only had one speaker that worked, and I could rarely pick up a radio station - any radio station. It was scary to drive in the winter time with the lack of weight over the rear wheels. I could only squeeze two other people in the car with me, and the brakes were shaky. But it served me well for many years.

I was hence forced to cop a new ("pre-owned") whip. I'm now rolling gangster in an '06 Toyota Corolla with tinted windows and factory hub caps. Although I don't have power windows or locks, I do have power steering and air conditioning. Life is good, but car payments suck.

As for my latest deep thought, I'd like to talk a little about perspective. I read yesterday on Google News about Amy Winehouse's diagnosis of emphysema that she got from smoking crack and cigarettes. Later at the store I saw magazine covers featuring a deathly-looking Olson twin (probably due to Uncle Jesse's poor rocker example), a reportedly suicidal Britney Spears, and a inhumanly-toned AC Slater (known to America's Best Dance Crew fans as Mario Lopez). I also watched a Youtube video of California beach-goers duking it out with paparazzi snapping shots of celebrities surfing.

I grew up watching Ms. Spears, the Olson twins, and AC grow up. I envied their lives. They were young and famous. They had fans, money, and an apparent happiness. However, I came to a realization that being famous could really suck.

Britney was the cute, innocent girl next door. Now the media portrays her as the mentally deficient "woman of the night" on the corner. Her every move is captured, exploited, analyzed, criticized, and fed to the ravenous masses. Do I think she's the ideal mother? No. Do I personally know worse? Oh, yeah.

And how could the Olson babies not be screwed up when they got older? They have had nothing of a "normal" life, and yet they're supposed to be able to relate with the public and vice versa.

As for Slater... he's awesome. I have to admit that I still wish I was that guy.

My point is that famous people have their struggles, just like their audiences. A lot of the same problems they have are the same, the only difference is that the problems are magnified by public scrutiny. Winehouse smokes crack, and her dad is pleading with her druggie friends to leave her alone. That's not all that unfamiliar with people I've known. Matthew McConaughey can't even rip the curl without people throwing punches over it. Welcome to my life... (psych).

So, if I can't be Jesse Spano's ex-boyfriend, Zach Morris' best friend, the host of the hottest dance show in the world, and have an indescribable physique then I don't want to be famous. I'd rather have my own problems in my own sphere than to have my own problems in everyone else's. We should be happy with who we are and where we are. I'm not saying we should be content to be stagnant and not shoot for the stars. All I'm saying is that it's okay to be you.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side, just sometimes. Everyone has dead spots in the lawn at one point or another. The joy comes from appreciating whatever green we have.

Dear Rachel

2008-05-08T20:21:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this blog in response to your question at the end of your comment on my last post. For those of you who have not read the comment in question, it is the first (and only, I think) comment on my entry entitled "Mind Blowing...". Anyway, I thought I'd answer your question as kind of a "Part Deux" to the last post.

The question regarding love and relationships went as follows: "The chase is very wearing and tiring, but my hope is that it all ends well. Will it?"

I can't say that I know for sure, but I assume that's a pretty subjective question. To which end do you refer? The end of your dating life? The end of the specific relationship you mentioned? The end of the day, or the year, or your life? That's all up in the air, my friend, and only God knows the answer to those questions.

And what do you mean by "well"? "Well" like a fairy tale wedding? "Well" like securing a productive relationship where mutual love is shared? "Well" as in simply not being alone, no matter who you're with? It's all pretty relative to me.

I don't want to cop out of a real answer, so here's what I really think: It doesn't matter how "it" ends or whether or not it ends "well". All that matters is how we deal with those things over which we have personal control.

I would love to be in love with someone who is love with me. That is obviously the ideal. However, if that love isn't a part of my life now, or not part of my life for a very long time, or not part of my life ever, the important thing is that I still do my best to be a contributing member of my society, my family, and all of my relationships. It only matters that I try my best to love those around me because that is within my control.

That doesn't mean anyone should try to force relationships to levels that his/her love does not truly reach. It's okay to be single when the alternative is a relationship doomed to hardship and failure because two people are with each other for the sole purpose of avoiding solitude. In fact, it's okay to be single for a lot of reasons.

What I believe truly matters is that I seek opportunities to love, take them when they're available, and not be afraid to get hurt. And when I say opportunities to love, I do not only refer to romantic relationships. I think we can only love to the greatest degree when we're vulnerable, so it's important for me to put myself out there for friends, family, and in reality every one I meet.

That is not to say that I actually do that. I am trying to be a better person to all around me, but many of you know I'm still a jerk a lot of the time. These thoughts are meant in no way as selfaggrandizement.

In conclusion, I think we can choose to love anyone and everyone, but I'm not sure that we can choose with whom we are IN love. I think that kind of love just happens when it happens. So, Rachel, if you really want my advice, or at least my two cents, then here they are: Love everyone you can. Be a good person because you can. Feel good about yourself for doing so and all "ends" will be "well". If that love you build grows into a stronger love, embrace it. If that love is reciprocated, enjoy it. If that love is not reciprocated, just keep on loving. That's all you can control. Let go of what you can't, because after every end there comes a new beginning... whoa, overly cliche. Sorry.

Mind Blowing...

2008-04-28T22:36:00.000-07:00

I just down loaded Leona Lewis' Bleeding Love. Jeff Robinson introduced me to the song, and I must admit that I like it. Big ups, JRob. The song has got me thinking, though. Do people really love each other as much as Ms. Lewis warbles?

I guess I can understand how one person could love someone else, it's the vice versa part that gets me. It has to be a miracle that one person could happen to be in love with the exact same person who is in love with them. I don't refer to just loving one another, but being madly in love with each other to the point of amorous intoxication. If that even occurs then it has to be a miracle.

In high school it was easy to feel queasily infatuated, but that was more than likely hormonal. I also think it was easier to love because there was less to worry about. My mom took care of my basic needs and I had very few bills. Girls were my life, whether they wanted to be or not.

Now that I'm older I have other things to worry about. I see life from a different perspective and see love in a different life. It's important to note that I also see relationships in a different life. They take work. I haven't seen many actually work at all in my life or in the lives of those closest to me, let alone work out the way my daydreams paint them.

There was one girl I would have married a few years ago. It was an odd feeling. I loved her differently than I have ever loved anyone or anything else. For whatever reason she didn't accept that love. I wasn't even weird about it. I wasn't a nut bar with her or get annoyingly googly every time I was around her. We had real conversations and shared our thoughts and feelings. She just couldn't reciprocate what I tried to give her. Now I'm over it, and she's married to someone else. It still works as a decent case study for me in life, though.

So, I know that I can love. I know that others can love. I'm sure that two people can love each other. I just can't fathom how that will be. I just wonder how much circumstance and outside factors play into the scenario. For example, how many people get married because they really like each other and really don't want to be alone? Or, how often does it occur that one person keeps "bleeding love" and the other just settles because he/she is tired of the game and the chase?

I know that sometimes I date just to date, just to not be on the couch on Friday night. I'm fairly certain that some girls go to dinner with me for the free meal, so I guess we're even. Sometimes, though, I'm genuinely interested. I think some girls are genuinely interested in me at times, but rarely do those interests coincide.

Let it be clear that this is not a complaint. I sat down to write hoping to exercise the demons as it were and try to wrap my head around this concept of shared loved. I got nowhere. Leona Lewis keeps repeating that she's bleeding love and no one can stop her, but I don't know if I believe her. I accept the fact that she could be bleeding love for someone else, but it's hard to believe that that same someone has been cut open as poetically as she has been. I'm not saying that it's not possible, only that it would have to be a miracle.... and I guess miracles happen every day, don't they?

The Latest

2008-04-17T23:34:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've blogged, but that is not because things haven't been happening. Here's the latest:

Although I was accepted to grad school at the University of Louisville, I will not be attending. I was recently hired by Utah Valley University (formerly UVSC) to work full time as a sports information specialist. That means I'll be the media liason of sorts for the men's basketball, women's softball, and possibly women's volleyball teams there at UVU. It's my first job with benefits, so I'm kinda stoked about it.

As part of my job search I had applied for a full-time internship at Notre Dame to do the same type of work. I actually applied to a number of schools, but Notre Dame and UVU were the only ones that called me back. I interviewed for both positions, and, to be honest, was kinda proud that I would be considered for either. I've worked pretty hard to get here. Anyway...

I felt really good about accepting the offer from UVU before I had even heard back from Notre Dame. I accepted the job and called Notre Dame to tell them my decision. The people in South Bend told me that I wasn't going to be offered the job anyway, so it worked out for me either way. The lady at Notre Dame actually apologized that she couldn't hire me and told me that she just had a gut feeling to go with someone else. I told her not to worry because I had that same gut feeling to stay in Utah. I just felt I really needed to stay here anyway.

BYU has been great to me. I did not want to come here at all when I was deciding where to go to school, but that same gut feeling (or prompting, if you will) told me that this is where I needed to be. It worked out marvelously, and I'm sure UVU will be the same, except I wanted the job in the first place and didn't dread accepting the position at all.

And now for the Mr. Rogers moment that I feel should be customary: I truly believe that when you work hard good things will come of it. I believe that if you're making an effort not only to be a good person, but a better person every day then God will bless you for it. I've made some pretty stupid mistakes, but He hasn't given up on me yet. Jacob 6:5 says that we should "cleave unto God as He cleaveth unto you." That is beautiful imagery. God won't dodge our advances. He's reaching out and grasping with all of His might, whether or not we may see it or believe it. I say believe it. If you don't trust me, try it. You've got nothing to lose and only the world to gain.

PS - For those of you who don't recognize that scripture, it comes from The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. If you'd like a copy, let me know. I'll send you one.

Golfing

2008-03-13T10:46:00.000-07:00

Thursday afternoon I went golfing in Mesquite, Nev. and had probably the most fun I've ever had on the links. I went with some co-workers that I really enjoy, and the weather was absolutely perfect.

The first two holes were unbelievably unsuccessful, but I still had a lot of fun. I think I tallied 19 strokes between the two holes, but I loved every minute of it because it I didn't really care how poorly I played. I was just happy to be on the beautiful course with good friends.

The next three holes were weird, though, because I was 1-over-par (bogey, par, par) through the three holes and was centimeters away from sinking back-to-back birdies. Although I was happy to play well then, I found that I was much more frustrated on those three holes than on the previous two that I absolutely tanked.

I think that happens to us too much in life. When things are absolutely horrible, we find a way to have a better perspective and find joy in the truly lovely things in life. When things are going our way we tend to get mad at the littlest things. I think we should all try to shoot below par, but enjoy the course no matter what.

Choices

2008-03-01T23:04:00.000-08:00

I really didn't mean to start my blog at such a poignant time of my life. It just happened that way. I had expected to just tell funny stories and stuff, and I'm sure I'll get to that, hopefully sooner than later. But, you know, life comes at you hard and fast sometimes.

I've been thinking a lot about choices the last few days at the instigation of my most recent weekend activities. My strength was drained Thursday and Friday as I attended the viewing of and subsequent funeral for a dear friend of mine, the man I've mentioned in previous blogs. The experience was needed, but it was not necessarily enjoyable. I would have much rather been on a road trip to build more memories with him, not to solely dwell on the now-final list of them.

He made a choice. He battled his demons for as long as he thought he could and chose not to do so anymore. He chose to leave this life behind and take the fast track to the next one. Although that became his last decision in this mortal existence, I'm sure there were previous decisions he made that led to his ultimate one.

As an aside, let me make it clear that I am not attempting to pass any kind of judgment on his life, character, family, or friends. I believe he was a good man, and I love and respect him. Let that suffice.

Saturday's attention was turned to my eight-year-old niece. She is bright and loving and wonderful and beautiful. She made a choice to be baptized, which ceremony was effected at nearly 10:30 this morning. It was her choice to receive that ordinance as a token of a covenant with her Maker. She chose to start her budding life on a path that leads to Him. It was a peaceful, meaningful, and joyous occasion juxtaposed to the difficult days previous.

As I sat surrounded by family in front of the baptismal font, the giddy buzz of young cousins chattering as the soundtrack, my mind returned to a favorite Old Testament scripture: Joshua 24:15 reads in part "choose you this day whom ye will serve,... but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."

My friend's final choice was not the right one. For whatever reason, he did not allow God to do what He has always promised He will do. My niece's choice Saturday was a good one. She will now hopefully build her own personal relationship with her Father in Heaven. I rededicated myself in that moment to follow my niece's example and choose to serve the Lord, without regard to any excuse that might attempt to settle on my horizon.

I believe that should be an important decision we make once in order to turn our lives completely to our Creator. For some that turn is more drastic than for others. I also believe that commitment should be restated daily in order to keep us on that path we chose.

Now here's the challenge: Choose ye this day whom ye will serve. Make a choice. Decide today, now, where you want your moral compass to point, and forge ahead. Do not dilly dally or lolly gag. Don't be so unfair to yourself and others that you give it a half-hearted effort or make empty excuses. Be the person you were born to be. Make the choices that will impact people for good and bring tears of joy, not sorrow. No matter where you are in life's journey or previous paths you've taken, chose now to go in the right direction. It will make all the difference.

That is the challenge I am making to myself. I am not yet the person I want to be, but I am recommitted to trying to get there. I don't expect that I or anyone will make all the right choices along the way because that was only possible for One. I only expect to use His help to get back up when I inevitably fall. No matter how far down you think you are now, I promise He'll lift you up too.

Sweet like candy

2008-02-26T00:23:00.000-08:00

Our friend Tyler loves to sing, but never knows the correct words to songs, and he repeats one line over and over again. When we lived with Ryan one of Tyler's favorite lines came from Dave Matthews' "Crash". Tyler would belt out "Sweet like candy toooooo me!" And that was it. Again and again. Over and over. I don't remember if it was Ryan or me that told him he was singing the wrong words, but all of us had a great laugh about it when we told him what the right words are. Ryan would mimic Tyler often and laugh until he couldn't breathe.

It was a Sunday, when the four of us were swapping places at the sink to brush our teeth or in front of the mirror to examine the finished product, that we had that first laugh at Tyler's expense. On Sundays, Ryan, Tyler, Jason and I would all don sweaters, most of which were from my extensive winter collection (one of which we unknowingly stole from our grumpy roommate Frank) as we prettied ourselves up for the Sabbath services. We didn't have church until 1:45, so we had plenty of time to lay our blankets on the lawn, try/pretend to read scriptures, eat popsicles, and try to talk to the few girls that would pass in front of our house.

We'd always sit on the front row at church. That took some getting used to for me, but Ryan and Jason insisted. The too-cool-for-school kids would laugh at us behind our backs like we didn't know we were being weirdies in our matching clothes as the only four people on the front pew. We'd laugh at them for taking themselves way too seriously.

Ryan and I shared a room. We'd stay up talking about life and girls; he about his Love and I about the Girl in the Window. The two of us were playing Nertz when I decided to tell that Girl I loved her, the first time I had uttered those words romantically, and he encouraged me. (She did not respond in kind, btw.)

He was there when I was in my car accident and faced some serious family struggles. He laughed at me, but helped me when I had my anxiety attack at Lake Powell because I couldn't get the stupid wake board off my feet. He was there at the water fight, and he lied to some overly aggressive girls to try to steer them away from Jason and me... it backfired, but at least he tried.

The night those same girls came over, Ryan was at the table when Jason literally came out of the closet. He'd been hiding in there for several minutes. My Good Friend was at the light rail station when Buttercup (the psycho) freaked out at me for buying a ticket for her on the train. He was driving when the three of us drove back to Utah and I messed with the radio and Buttercup's patience.

I came home one afternoon and found him talking into a voice recorder, recounting the love story he shared with his One and Only. He told me he was planning to propose, and I wanted to help. I took the recorder and we started from the beginning. I asked him some oddly ridiculous questions and mixed in a few real ones. He hesitated sharing his deepest emotions, but he did not hide them. He loved Her. I felt guilty for making light of his biggest request, but She loved it. She cried the whole way through when she first listened to it on the way up the canyon, even the silly parts. That night we threw rose petals at their feet and served them chicken alfredo.

I saw him at Jason's wedding for the last time. I told him his cheeks were getting fatter and that he was starting to look more like me. That offended him, but only slightly. He later lost 30 pounds.

It will be a good day when I can hug My Friend again. Until then, I will hold his memory dear. We miss you, buddy.

Speak up

2008-02-23T17:26:00.000-08:00

I'll be attending the funeral of a young father and good friend next week. His was a preventable death. No one saw it coming. One day he was here, the next day he chose not to be.

I feel that I've been rather selfish. I'm caught up in the job hunt and searching for the next big thing. I'm struggling to choose between a number of options, all of which are interesting and wonderful. I feel selfish because there was someone in my life that was struggling just to figure out how to simply live one more day, and I didn't do anything. Just one more day.

How many others around me need help and won't ask for it? How many others around me are asking for help and I haven't listened or responded because I'm too lost on me?

I love my family and friends, but I don't tell them enough. I don't call old friends when I think about them as often as I should. I will do better.

To my family, friends, acquaintances, enemies, and all others: I love you and am trying to love you more. Forgive my selfishness. If you need me, or anyone, please tell me. Please. If not me, please tell someone, anyone.

There is help out there. I want to be that help.

Speak up. You will be heard, and you will be loved.

Dave's first blog

2008-02-21T17:58:00.000-08:00

So, this is my first blog. I'm not sure that anyone will read it, except for maybe one Shaylee Hatch Deelstra because she's the one who convinced me to do this. Holla at your boy, Shay... and by "boy" I mean your husband's best red-headed friend.

I'd like to use this as a medium for release. You know, to vent frustrations or record sweet ideas, but I recognize that one needs to be careful blogging. I'm in the process of trying to find gainful full-time employment, and I've heard that potential employers try to find potential employees' blogs and social networking pages (e.g. Facebook). It would be no bueno if those potential providers read something unacceptable, not that I am involved in unacceptable behavior. I'm just saying you have to be careful.

I must admit that I am unseasoned in the ways of blogs. I have read a few blogs, but am not as of yet a blog junkie. Who knows, this could be the start of a whole new time of my life, one marked by consumption of user-provided media.

But after reading what I've already written, I wonder why in the world anyone would want to read it. I'm going to have to start saying cooler stuff if I want people to read this. I'll do my best to say more interesting stuff in the future.