A Lesson from Fatherhood

My little boy is now 23 days old, and I am so grateful that he is here and that he's healthy.

People always tell you that you can't understand a parent's love until you become one, and I wholeheartedly concur. I absolutely adore my son, and I love him like nothing before. I assert that it is impossible to have a child and not love him/her with all your heart.

People also always tell you that when you become a parent you reflect on the relationship you have with your own parents and become more grateful for them. I now know that is also true. I don't know where I'd be without the love and support from my angel mother. I love my own dad. I also love my step-dad, Irvin. He, too, has seen me through a lot.

I just wish I had had a better relationship with my father before he passed away in June. I didn't even speak to him the entire month before we lost him, and that will always be painful for me.

When I was a kid he used to tell me how much he loved me, but the older I got the less we talked and the less I believed that. And I don't know whether to say I "could have" or "should have" had a better relationship with him, or if I should say anything at all. I made some efforts, but was offended. And he made some efforts, but was also offended.

Sometimes I wondered just how important I was to him.

But now I know.

Whatever happened between the two of us for whatever reason, I know my dad loved me. Having my son now has helped me realize that. I mean, my wife and son have been out of town for four days and I miss them like the dickens. Seriously, I cannot wait to have them back home tomorrow. But I went months at a time without even talking to my dad, and I only saw him a few times in his final years.

I can only imagine how terrible that was for him.

My boy yells and wiggles and stinks and won't let us put him down, and I can't get enough of it. I'm so proud of every little thing he does. I love that he gets startled when I cough and he shoots his hands into the air. I love the kissy face he makes. I love his pirate look when he just opens one eye, and I cannot wait to continue to learn more about him and from him.

I still have unanswered questions about why there was such a distance between my dad and me, but now I'm sure that lack of love was not the reason no matter what may have occured.

I am also sure that neither hell nor high water will keep me from my wife and son, and I will do my very best to make sure my son will never ask the same questions I did.

I Was Wrong

That last time I blogged, I talked about how I might be growing to not hate University of Utah athletics.

I was wrong.

Last Thursday I was in my marketing class at the U, and it went fine. I don't have anything against my particular program, and I am enjoying it as much as anyone can enjoy going to night school while working full time and adjusting to a new baby at home.

But the Utes' first football game of the season was also Thursday night at home. There were about 10-12 kids (actually grown-ups, but I'll call anyone my a kid as long as I live) wearing Utah paraphernalia... red shirts with giant white "U's" on them.

I did not appreciate the shirts or the excitement in the air about Utah football. I didn't appreciate the score updates in class. I wanted desperately for Pitt to squash the home team.

One kid in particular sat directly across from me. He barely looked at me all night, and I never heard him speak a word. But he was wearing a red Utah polo like sideline workers wear... and I wanted to punch him in the face.

I am not a violent man, and I doubt I would ever do physical harm to this person unless he threatened my family or friends. But I hated him. I wanted to throw things at him. I felt this nearly overwhelming urge to "rise and shout" as we talked about how Google rules the world and students secretly checked their mobile devices for score updates.

So let it be known. I will use the University of Utah's David Eccles School of Business for its education and diploma, and then I will bid the institution adieu. I do bleed blue.

Go Cougs!!!